Realizing my Sins
by NorthCarolinaGirl4Life
Summary: Matt Hardy is retiring from the buisiness and decides its time for his slate to come clean


a/n- Alright, I deleted 'Forget Forgiveness', cause I didn't like it, so I took HD's challenege and made a new story. It's not oo much different from the last time, since it has the same concept.  
  
Title: Realizing My Sins  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Author: NC Sixx  
  
Shout Outs: To HD, since she gave me the challenge. And Jeff's Favourite Skittle, the only one who actually reviewed my other story. THis takes place in the future since Matt is retiring.  
  
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Well, I guess that Shane was always right; I would feel better if I got everything off of my chest and now that I am going to quit wrestling, I guess it's about time I do so. I realize the wrong-doings that I have done in the past and I am willing to tell all of you what I did; even more-so, I am willing to tell myself what I've done. I realize that I have done more wrong things in my life than most people have done good, yet no one has ever told, including me, what I have done and I played the innocent.  
  
All those times that my "friends" or brother have showed up to work with injuries that they made false reports of, mainly saying that they hurt themselves at home or at the gym while training. Which is partially right. But they weren't getting hurt by training, they were getting hurt by me and they mainly didn't even know that they were all getting hurt by me. I remember some very specific times, that stick out in my mind that I think you all should know.  
  
First, I wanna talk about when I was younger. I was a bratty older teen who always felt that I could get my frustrations out by hitting people. My dad was never around much, so I didn't really have to watch myself; no one ever told on me anyways. But, when dad was home, he wasn't always the nicest. Sure, he was strict, but he was also over-bearing. I HAD to be perfect in his eyes. I guess that he thought that Jeff was a failed cause or something, so he took it out on me. That's frusterating. It made me so made that I got the shortest temper in the world.  
  
Everyone knows now that we had that trampoline/ring thing in our backyard that me and my brother and my friends would all practice on. That was the main place I took my anger out. On my brother, on his friends, on MY friends, everyone. But one time...One time, I remember that Jeff had a friend of his, Shannon Moore, over and we were all out there together.  
  
Shannon had gotten sick of just video-taping all day, so when we were done with our 'televised matches', he decided that he wanted to get in the ring. We were all teenagers, but Shannon was the youngest of us all. Jeff said, when Shannon first started to show up, that I should take it easy on him. He was always smaller then the other kids his age, and he had, at the time, that is, fragile bones. I didn't care, I thought that if he wanted to train, he was going to train like everyone else. NO exceptions.  
  
Well, I was wrong.  
  
Anyways, that day, he climbed in the ring with me. He stood in front of me with a confident look on his face and he told me that he wanted to go. Now, one-on-one, with me. I laughed in his face and shoved him back and he fell, hitting his head on the hard part of the ring. He lay back, grasping the back of his head as I did a little "victory dance". Suddenly...the little ass lowblowed me and took me down. Jeff did the one-two-three. I was so angry. My already grated nerve snapped and I tackled Shannon.  
  
I don't remember much else, but when I was pulled off of him, I had done some serious damage to Shannon. I had busted his nose, his lip, three fingers, four ribs, and a sprained ankle. Jeff and Shane carried Shannon to the basement while I went upstairs and got some ice and my keys. I was going to drive Shannon to the hospital, so he could get fixed up.  
  
But I didn't.  
  
I helped Shannon up the stairs and told Jeff and Shane to make up some story incase dad came home and I was still gone. I told them that I would tell dad the whole story. Then, as soon as Jeff and Shane were out of view, I "helped" Shannon into the car, by throwing him onto the seat and whacking him in the back of the head to shut up. Them, I drove him up to the front of his house and shoved him out.  
  
I found out later that he had told his brothers that some guys attacked him on the streets and made up some bogus story that completely threw them off my case. I never told dad anything, and neither did Shane or Jeff since they thought I had told.  
  
Then, there was the time that I knocked Jeff out for three whole days, which we still didn't tell dad. He was playing some type of video game and it was too loud. He wouldn't stop playing even after I told him a million times to do so, so I hit him over the head with the system. Harsh, I know, but it worked and I was angry. I told dad that he had falled off the ring and hit his head, so I carried him into the house and put him on the couch till he came home. Jeff never told dad what really happened either.  
  
He never told what I did to him. I have knocked him out over a dozen times. I beaten him up so many times I can't even count that high. I've shoved him down stairs, and hit him with random objects. But he never told. I wish you would have, Jeff, cause I would have deserved every wailing I would have gotten. I only got caught a few times, and when I did, it made me even more angry and Jeff got hurt more.  
  
I was never too good of a friend either. especially to Mike and Shane. I forced those guys to keep my secrets and cover for me. I even told Shane that if he ever saw anything I did and told on me, that I would beat his lights out with a shovel. I don't know if he believed me, but he kept his word that he'd never tell. Mike was easier to convince, since all you would have to do was give him five bucks and he'd hide a murder.  
  
But, that's not the worse I could do, beating people upside the sead with videogame systems or throwing them down stairs. no, the worst I've ever done took place after the brand split about ten years ago.  
  
God, I realize how wrong I was and it's going to be incredibley hard for me to put it into words.  
  
Alright, I guess it started after I beat up Jeff and left Raw for Smackdown!.Around December 2002, I was doing my own thing and having a good time. I wasn't having any spurts of anger or beating up anyone AND, I was getting lots of airtime with that whole Mattitude thing.  
  
Then, they told me that I was going to have to work with some one. That he would share my airtime with me. That I would show him the ropes of the big company.  
  
That would be Shannon.  
  
I hadn't seen Shannon for a while, except for when I had to be on t.v with him. I never said high backstage. I never hung out with him. I left him all for whoever was dumb enough to take him. Unfortunatley, the company wanted me to spend a lot of time with him, both on and off screen.  
  
One night, we were back at the hotel and I was minding my own buisiness, watching t.v. when Shannon came in and sat down on the couch next to me. He had obviously had too much sugar or something, cause he was bouncing in his seat and annoying the hell out of me. Suddenly, he started asking a million questions about the movie. Finally, I had enough and I grabbed him around the throat and began to choke him and hit his head against the couch arm.  
  
He reached up and smacked me in the head. I stood up and picked him up. slamming him into the wall. he gave a shriek of terror and tried to get away, but I stopped him and threw him on the bed. I beat him all over his body until he laid still adn I told him not to move, or I'd kill him. I don't know if I was serious or not, but he listened.  
  
I went and got some of my wrestling tape from my bag. I taped him to the bedposts by the wrists and ankles and I tore away his clothes.  
  
I'm sure you can guess the rest.  
  
I can't believe that I did that and I can't believe that he never told anyone. Cause that wasn't the only time that I forced sex upon him. No, there were many times. Normally it was when he was sleeping. He was such a sound sleeper that I could truss him up before he woke up and I wrapped his limbs so tightly that he couldn't get out no matter how hard he tried. The looks of terror and unabsolturated fear that I saw in his eyes just turned me on more than anything.  
  
God, what I would give to change what I did to him. And I wish--I wish that he was alive today to see me give up everything and tell everyone what I did. I wish he could be here to hear me say that I'm sorry. If only I hadn't done anything, then Shann wouldn't have killed himself that night in December three years ago.  
  
God!  
  
Well, I should wrap this up so I can give it to you guys and we can talk about it. Well, that is, if you want to talk to me agter finding out abotu all these terrible things I've done. In resolve, I'd like to say sorry to Shane, for making you and Mike keep all of me secrets all of these years. Nothing can take back what I've done.  
  
Jeff, I'm sorry for all of the times that I have hurt you and tricked you. I'm sorry for hurting you all those times. I wish that you would tell dad everything that I have ever done so that I could get the biggest wailing I've ever deserved. And I definately deserve it.  
  
And to Shannon. Though he is gone, I still feel that I should right this down to get it off of my chest. I'm sorry for forcing you into that dark peice of mind becuase you were so broken. I'm sorry that I forced you to do those awful things that I made you do. I'm sorry for not taking Jeff's warnings and for beating you so many times. I'm sorry for not paying enough attention to your needs.  
  
But, I don't deserve you're apologies. I deserve nothing. I want you all to so what you feel is right. If that means that you never want to speak or see me again, I have to deal with it. I don't deserve you guys. As a matter of fact, I should not even be here today. If I could, I would trade my life for Shannon's. I have seen how much his death has effected you guys and I am sorry for causing it. Please, just read this, and decide what you are going to do. If you want to speak to me, yell at me, or beat me up, You know where I am.  
  
Please, I'll be here.  
  
Matt Hardy 


End file.
